Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

· My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

· I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

· After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “screw it, soldier on!”

· The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

· My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

· I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.