Mature Humans

Found in the email inbox:

Mature Humans

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before
you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or
understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of
cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber &
dumber every year?

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a
little too far.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I
always hate bicyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail
on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push
the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes
closed, first time, every time!

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.

The Good Word

Another conversation between he and she.

She: Good morning.
He: Good morning, or is it a good morning.
She: I see your not in a good mood.
He: Me?
She: Yes, you.
He: Do you really want to know why I’m not in a good mood?
She: Please tell.
He: Well … I slept like shit.
She: Shit is not a good thing.
He: You got that right.
She: Since you slept as you say, like shit then that is not a good thing.
He: Correct.
She: So how I can help you to make this a good morning?
He: First off, I need a good, strong mug of black coffee.
She: That’s a good thing for you.
He: Coffee is good, and good for the soul too.
She: I’ll stick with a good cup of tea.
He: Tea is good, but I’m not a morning tea drinker.
She: I know that.
He: Good that we agree on that.
She: How’s the coffee?
He: As good as it gets.
She: Good.
He: Now that the coffee is working, it looks like it’s going to be good day.
She: I love it when you have a good day, and a good evening too.
He: A good day, makes everything right with the world.
She: I hope tonight you get a good night’s sleep.
He: I’m planning on it.
She: Good of you to say that.
He: It’s all good.

Grizzly Attack

From the email inbox:

Grizzly Attack
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol
Grizzly Bear
This is a story of self control and marksmanship.  A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.
Pistol
These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere.  She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
I love that pistol. I’ll find other boyfriends.

I Feel Like New

I feel like a new old man today.

Got my hairs styled/cut.

Not just one hair, but a whole lot of hairs was snipped/cut off.

Still no bald spots, so that’s a good sign.

Now, if I was a barber/stylist, and someone came in and a haircut, I would would ask the person, which one strand of hair he/she wanted snipped off. It makes a lot of sense, since a person goes to have his hair cut/styled, that mucho hairs are cut/styled, not just one hair.

So, hairs cut/styled it is.

Just A Pondering thought.

Uncle Seamus

From the email inbox:

Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.

They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while
before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded
onto their rowing boat.

After a while Mick says, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?”

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to
his knees. “Dis’ll never do Mick. Let’s row some more.”

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is
only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?”

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No dis’ll
neva do.” The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and
disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.

“Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?”

“Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel?”

Meaning of the Resurrection

From the email inbox:

Got to love this kid…

  MEANING OF THE RESURRECTION
           A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.  
Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
         Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand……..ATT0000111
The pastor called on him and the little boy said,   “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”  
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Why Seniors Need Newspapers

From the email inbox:

I was visiting my son last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my i-Pad.”

I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit it.

Diapers: A True Story

From the email inbox:

I wake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low-down on the whole thing.
                                                                                          
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people poop in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

                                                               

Mother Nature

It seems that mother nature has a problem.
The problem is, she must have a very itchy scalp.
With all the dandruff falling from the sky above,
it looks like she needs a good shampooing, with
a good rinsing.
Then a apply some conditioning, then rinse
and repeat.
Now, all this dandruff is landing on planet
earth, and are the ones who have to deal with it.

When the weather warms up, then a real good
rinsing will commence, and then it will wash away
all the built up dandruff, that she wanted to
share with us.

– A Pondering Mind

Bad Pilots

From the email inbox:

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
‘I don’t like Chinese..’

‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!’

‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.’

‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,
‘It was an iceberg!’

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah…all the same….

Paradise

From the email inbox:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St.Peter.” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,and in the line of men
who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

My First Condom

From the email inbox:

         My First Condom.
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot   of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of  item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could  see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it  were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me….

Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”
———
From the email inbox.

Senior Moments

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I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

 

One of the questions was:

 

“In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”

 

“F*ckin’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.
———————————-
Above from the email inbox